LO3: Evaluating my script

   

Here is a draft version of my script before updating it based off of feedback:

Scene opens:

INT. QUINNS BEDROOM -- NIGHT

QUINN wakes in the middle of night, TV still on from when she fell asleep. The TV is just out of frame but we see the light from the TV sprawl across the room. A different light from the hallway appearing from a slowly opening door hits her face.

NEWS PRESENTER

- with over 6 missing persons reports in the Sheffield area in the last month, victims all 'CHARACTER DESCRIPTION', disappearing at the dead of night without a trace, residents have been warned to keep doors locked at night and to- 

QUINN rubs her eyes and slowly starts to wake properly as the light slowly blinks off before she notices. Camera focuses in and out of the foreground (QUINN) and background (her door frame). Quinn turns off the bright light from the TV, an evenly spaced out pair of white dots can now be seen in the darkness. They linger high up in the door frame, suggesting the scale of the thing just out of sight in the darkness.

QUINN notices and gasps, she reaches for her phone and shines a light at the dark figure, the shadow disappearing as the light hits it. The dots now being gone causes the panic to reappear. She hurriedly makes a call on her phone. 

THE MOTHER

(tired) Quinn why are you-

THE MOTHERS voice is the first, and last, we hear.

QUINN

Mum i think i saw something in my room but i don't know if it was real or not (trailing off) and-and i'm really scared-

THE MOTHER

(Worried) Wait... what do you mean 'saw something'?

QUINN 

Like a shadow in the door-

THE MOTHER

(Cynical) A shadow... at night? c'mon sweetie, go back to sleep it was probably nothing.

QUINN

Mum I'm being serious, I'm really scared and I think there's someone in the house with us.

THE MOTHER

(sighs) Quinn i already told you me and Katy aren't home tonight we're out of-

QUINN

WAIT- (starts hyperventilating) you mean i'm alone? I'm calling the police.

THE MOTHER

(changes to a more serious tone as she realises the severity of the situation) Quinn calm down. Arm yourself with something and look for the front door keys. I will call the police.

QUINN

Wait-

THE MOTHER

The police will take the shadow story more seriously if they hear it from an adult, ok?

QUINN

(building up courage) Okay-okay

THE MOTHER

I'm gonna make the call okay? Ill call back in just a second to make sure your'e okay.

THE MOTHER hangs up as only a deafening silence is left in the house as QUINN slowly approaches her desk next to her door with her phone torch. QUINN frantically searches her desk draws.

QUINN

(frustratingly) Come on, where are you?

As QUINN is searching for the keys we see a door in the background of the hallway creek shut. The noise startles QUINN.

QUINN

(Approaching the door) Deep breaths- In... Out... (she grabs hold of the door handle) In... 

She hurriedly forces the door open, a sigh of relief washing over her as we see an open window whooshing in air. She takes a step back and it's revealed the shadow is in her room now. The scene is broken up by her phone ringing and piercing the silence. QUINN jumps back in front of her door frame, covering of the white dots, we don't see them again in the shot when she moves.

THE MOTHER

Sweetie the police are on their way but are you sure you even saw something?-

QUINN

(Still hurried/hyperventilating) Mum the keys are gone.

THE MOTHER

(small pause) They must be in the lock box in the kitchen.

QUINN

Shouldn't i check your room first?

THE MOTHER

(Authoritative) No. They aren't there.

QUINN 

But shouldn't i at least che-

THE MOTHER

(Insistent) We don't have time to waste. You need to grab a knife from the kitchen, get the keys and leave.

QUINN

O-okay.

She glances at the door to her mum's room and starts to walk down the stairs. The shot lingers on the door.

CUT TO: INT. DOWNSTAIRS CORRIDOR 

A long shot stalks Quinn as she reaches the downstairs corridor and flicks a light switch.

THE MOTHER

 Don't turn on the lights. You know your way around our house in the dark better than an intruder does.

QUINN SILENTLY OBEYS.

ENT KITCHEN.

THE MOTHER

Remember to stay calm sweetie, the keys should be in the change box on the counter.

QUINN

Yeah okay.

QUINN hurries over to the kitchen counter, sliding her phone in her pocket. Whilst rummaging around for the keys, we see the fridge door behind her silently open as the shot changes to one of her back.

QUINN

ugh- The keys aren't he-

 A blue light hits her as she suddenly stops rummaging for the keys, she is frozen in fear. Quinn takes the phone out her pocket as she agonisingly slowly turns.

QUINN

Mum...?

...

QUINN

(raising the phone to her ear) M-mum...? 

Shes met with the isolating sound of noise glitches/static echoing out her phone. 

The shot changes: She hurried grabs a knife out of the kitchen droor. The camera pans up to a tracking shot as we follow her hesitantly past the garage door to the fridge. The shot rotates to her side as she grabs the fridge door, blocking the view of the rest of the kitchen. The music rises. She closes the door and the audience sees there's nothing there, but as she turns around with the camera we see the garage door now slightly open. Inside, a black void. The shot changes to a low angle as she reaches for the door handle, the door opening more before she even touches it. 

The static from her phone rises, SEEMINGLY TAKING OVER/POSSESSING THE PHONE ITSELF.

We see something in the dark... A hand reaching out to her? Her fingers flex out as cracking of bones can be heard. The hand would be the mothers, made apparent with jewelry. The hand is grey in appearance with deep red nail polish.

The static is now unbearable. The kitchen becomes distorted: the natural moon light somehow flickering out, causing short periods of total darkness. A mans voice (young) can be heard embedded in the white noise:

THE VOICES

(Lifelessly, obviously trying to draw her in) Help me. I can't see in Here. Help. 

THE MOTHERS voice can be heard very silently underneath the dialogue asking her to "come in" and "join us"

QUINN stumbles back as the arm slowly retracts into the darkness before the door suddenly slams open by itself, she turns and dashes through the corridor and up the stairs. The white eyes can be seen in the darkness as she begins to run away.

THE MOTHERS voice can be heard panicked and calling out for her daughter, sobbing and asking if she's okay. Her voice begins to return to a normal state as the static lowers. We return to the shot of the landing again as QUINN approaches the door. She barges through in a rush. We see her pause, staring at something off screen, frozen in fear and panic as she realises something horrific. We see the same hand as before switching off the landing light, just out of the shot.

THE MOTHER

Sweetie?

...

Are you alright?

Static from QUINNS phone begins again, THE MOTHERS voice takes a more sinister tone as a close up shot reveals the same hand laying limp on the bed, covered in blood and black ink, clutching the keys. QUINN falls to the floor, overcome with grief and despair as the shot changes to a low angle of her phone on the floor and the doorway.The same two white dots are seen staring her down, but this time a silhouette of the mother can be seen, slightly blacker than the darkness. 

THE MOTHER

(Her voice flicking between a deeper, masculine voice and the mothers) Sweeeeeetie?

The static rises again (still from her phone) as the moonlight gets sucked out of the room, in the static we hear many stolen voices speaking in unison.

THE VOICES

Behind you.

The shot switches to QUINN as she notices the dots and begins to plead for her life and sob, THE MOTHER mimicking her from her phone. Multiple different takes of the voices will be spliced together to create an inhumane voice. 

The screen goes black as credits begin to roll, we hear QUINNS pleading sobs turn to horror as she inhumanely gasps in. THE MOTHER still lifelessly mimicking her pleading sounds, as her voice and QUINNS, which becomes calm and dead, begin to speak in unison. QUINNS voice is no longer her own.

The outside lamp now blinks back in, the title flashing in the light as  the diegetic sounds return and all is back to normal. 

END OF SHORT

Evaluating My Horror Short Script: 

I created a SurveyMonkey questionnaire to gain feedback on my script from my target audience. Gaining feedback through this method allowed me to understand both the issues with my script and what can be improved as well as what is effective so that i can understand what works and what doesn't. 

One positive piece of feedback i gained is that my script is effective in meeting audience expectations for the genre of horror. This was effectively communicated to my audience because it includes many of the tropes that make the genre so effective. For example the plot uses the darkness and low-key lighting synonymous with horror in many of its scenes to set up the scares and tension. This means that when the audience would be watching the film they feel comfortably reassured within the tropes I've used and fulfils the purpose of my script. 

Another positive feature of my script is that it is effective at conforming to the stereotypical conventions of a short film script in the way it approaches form and style. My script is written in the 12 Courier New font, which is the industry standard for scripts as it's easy to read and understand for actors/crew members from a variety of backgrounds.  

Other ways I followed script conventions was by establishing location and time of day, using short description paragraphs to describe my characters appearances and descriptions of directions/what's happening in the scene. These are all commonly used in scripts to give the readers/actors an idea of the writers vision for the scene and helps them to understand what's physically happening, for example, are the characters moving around the room? where are they going? This is important to use along side dialogue as there are often long scenes in my horror short where the characters are silent but action is taking place, using these non-dialogue directions allows the readers to understand the flow of the scene without having to force in dialogue that would ruin the tension. 

However, one piece of criticism i received is that i didn't include any sort of directions for the actors line delivery. This meant that the reader couldn't tell how a character was feeling or how lines of dialogue were supposed to be delivered. 

Here is an example of how i improved the dialogue with the criticism in mind (the improvement shown in red):

 

This is an effective piece of feedback as it allows me to greatly improve an aspect of my script I would've overlooked if i hadn't gained the feedback. This specific detail change completely alters how the scene may be perceived by different readers. This changes the outcome of what the scene would look like massively and would've led to more production issues and miscommunication during the filming/production stages of my audiovisual product. 

Another piece of constructive feedback I gained is that I often condensed portions of my script in the exposition paragraphs, cutting out small, but important dialogue and replacing it with a description. 

Here is an example below (highlighted in blue):

This is an issue as, if it came to filming the product, the actors wouldn't know what exactly to say, they'd have to make up the dialogue themselves. This makes it difficult for them to effectively complete their job as they have to focus on multiple different things, making the acting seem unfocused and making the script itself feel anti-climactic/incomplete. 

I improved this aspect of my script by specifying the exact dialogue of the scene as shown below (highlighted in red): 

This was very effective in helping me drastically improve my script as it allows me to follow codes and conventions of a traditional short film script much more accurately. This change would make the scene easier to portray on screen for the actors, as well as more accurately representing the build up of the scene in text compared to the abrupt single line of exposition previously used in the last paragraph. 

In my script I made sure to consider what mode of address would be most appropriate to use so that I could not only set up a realistic mother-daughter relationship for my primary characters but also convey the story and its progression in my dialogue. I decided to use an informal, but serious mode of address. This is because I needed the audience to understand the seriousness of the situation for the characters. This creates tension in my script as it makes the audience feel and empathise with the characters which is important if I want the audience to feel shocked/fear when something happens. If the characters were more chatty and jokey, the audience wouldn't take any of the scenes seriously and the dialogue wouldn't connote the genre. The informal part of my mode of address is equally as important however, this is because my characters are in stressful situations which would lead to them not speaking proper formal English. Its also necessary to create verisimilitude as my young teen character wouldn't use the formal address when speaking, especially to a family member. This makes my characters relationships much more real and sympathetic to the audience. 

When developing my script, it was important i adhered to legal and ethical requirements as to not cause any problems later in production. Here are the legal/ethical issues that apply to me in creating a script:

Copyright: The most important law to consider during development was Copyright: it was vital that I didn't take any existing characters or plots from an already existing media products and using it as if it was my own within the script. I created my script concept as an original and self-contained story that fits comfortably in to a short film duration. If i wanted to use any already existing characters created by someone else i would have to ask the property owner for the rights to use them. Not doing so would result in a potential lawsuit and take down of the product. As i don't need to do this, my script is effectively meeting the copyright legal requirement.

Slander Law: It is illegal to publish defamatory content about a person or publish untrue information. It is spoken. This law would adhere to me if my script would be produced into an actual short film, but as just a script the law i need to consider is Libel, which follows the same principle as slander but instead applies to written work. Libel should not apply to me because my script concept for a horror short film is purely fictional and doesn't include depictions of any real life people or their lives. This means that my script is effective in meeting this legal requirement.  

Ethics: As well as the legal requirements, i made sure to adhere to the ethical requirements of audiences. Although not meeting these requirements wouldn't cause you to face legal trouble, they may cause the audience to have a reduced overall interest with the product i'm creating. The main ethical requirement that applies to me for creating a script is whether or not the content i have produced is age appropriate. As my script is for a horror short film, its intended audience is for adults/late teens. As I targeted this specific audience, i had to make sure my script didn't include any elements that would instead draw in a younger audience and expose them to potentially harmful imagery. One way i did this is through the creation of my protagonist. I wanted my script to be revolved around a younger protagonist and her relationship with her mother, however i made sure in my character description QUINN is mediated as a late teen, this was so that it wouldn't accidentally target a young audience. However, this issue isn't very prominent for script writing as younger children don't often read scripts. 

Finally, my script shows an accurate evolution of my ideas. From concept documents to final product my ideas stayed consistent and continuously improved/ were built upon.